I mourn as though my mother has passed. Even though she still walks this earth, I mourn the loss of what could have been. I know she had her burdens when raising me, and they were handled poorly. But I wish I could have known a childhood free of the responsibility of raising her, free from the worry that I was never enough for her to be happy here.
You know kids internalize a lot of what happens around them, when your mother tells you no one would notice if she died you worry that she thinks you are no one.
When your mother is so tied up in knots that she binge eats and throws up. And you worry that you caused her that stress.
And here I am decades later, crying myself to sleep for the loss that little girl lived through. Wishing I could go back and tell her ”you are enough, no matter what anyone else says or does. You are enough”. I wish that little girl could see some of the really amazing things that will happen in her life, in spite of the harsh and often neglectful attitude the woman you call mother is towards you. You will raise above it, you will heal and be stronger, and you will thrive. Really and truly, you will build your dream life bursting like a Phoenix from the ashes.
But first you will mourn the loss of the mother you should have had. And no one else will really understand that, but you will heal, you will grow, but most importantly you will thrive!