It’s been over a week since I posted, but I wanted to let you know that I am still here. I am still processing all this stuff. I see my therapist this coming Saturday and I fear the homework I’ve completed will not be enough. It pokes at me that I haven’t been digging deep enough, nor pushing my limits enough. And I know that part of this is due to my constant feeling of not being good enough.
I can’t pin point a moment when I realized that I felt “not enough” I can’t look back and think that if this one particlular scenario never happened I’d likely feel like I was good enough for anything. This one belife could be holding me back on so many fronts.
I mean really the thought of “not enough” means I feel like I’m not good enough to have a happy marriage, which I then try and self-sabotage a perfectly good relationship with an awesome man (sorry husband, not your fault). The not good enough has followed me through my jobs, where I tend to create this sense that I can do anything with the people around me than fear I will be found out as the fraud I feel I am… and I self-sabotage my job, to the point I was fired once, and let go a couple other times when those around me finally figured out that I felt like I was a fraud.
I don’t know that people actually thought I was a fraud, I was after all fairly good at covering my mistakes and hiding them away. I doubt people really figured out how messed up I was until after I was no longer around, the social facade that I had constructed was just that good/competent etc.
So now, the work I’ve been doing has been rather internal facing which I belive I’m supposed to be dealing with. However it feels like I’m not doing enough to heal the shame inside me. To heal that pain created in the earliest of childhood when I figured out that I was not enough to keep my Mother happy.
That no matter how I looked, felt, acted or what I did in this life I would never be enough for her to look at me with pride and validate that I was good enough. Heck I think I internalized it into “I am not broken enough”. And now I seek attention with all the things that go wrong in my life. Which is not what I really want to create.