There really is nothing like a little extra pressure at work to make you feel totaly useless or like you will break down any minute.
My boss right now has me making calls for a thing that is coming up in the next few weeks, I doubt he realizes how bad the panic attacks are at the moment. But essentially I’m having one every time I try and pick up the phone. The emotional stress of trying to get past all my history is not helping. I’m having masive break downs at work and kinda freaking out over the fact that this is effectively hindering my ability to move forward.
I mean it’s not like I don’t have this amazing husband, and son. I love them to pieces, and I want to be a better wife and mother. But I can’t do that if I am unable to actually connect with who I am in the first place. And this attempt to connect is actually stressing me out so much that I don’t know if I can handle it.
The past trauma is coming up, the pain the suffering, and all the emotions that were there are coming back. How does one deal with all that, and still look like a “normal” person to the majority of the people they meet?
I’m really not a fan of the whole working thing either, right now I just want to go home, cuddle up to my husband, and sleep for a month.
And yes, I’m aware that my stress levels are making me want to run my usual deffence pattern of hiding from the world. It’s one of the reasons I’m making myself still go to work even though I’m having a hard time doing it.
I don’t know when I’ll be getting better, but I hope at the very least it will get easier to do this.