Jane Doe's Story

January 23, 2019

We don’t stay because we are stupid

I had someone ask me recently, “If it was so bad why did you stay?” And through the remainder of the conversation essentially told me I was stupid for staying. The thing is you don’t stay in an abusive relationship because you are dumb, you stay because you are scared, among other things.

Scared you aren’t worth more

scared of being hurt worse (in cases of being killed)

scared you are too stupid to be alone (not the same as actually being stupid btw)

and scared of so much more

In my case I got into the relationship when I felt I deserved to be punished. So when things started getting bad I felt I deserved it. I didn’t feel like I deserved respect, or to be valued so I let him disrespect me and de-value me. What abuse looks like in a relationship can vary dramatically between relationships. It’s not always cut & dry. This cation = abuse.

For instance my ex always wanted to know where I was & when I’d be home. He held it over my head if I was a minute late, he’d get mad if I spent time with certain people He used the information to control me through guilt and emotional manipulations, yet I bet if he read this paragraph he would say it wasn’t abusive it was being protective of someone he loved.

Either way it was suffocating.

My 2nd husband however also wants to know where I am and when I’ll be home. But uses that info to do things that make my life easier (like having supper delivered so I don’t have to cook)

If you want to look at a more serious action, one of my ex’s has hit me before. Yes, I’m a formerly battered woman. Now I met my 2nd husband in a Martial Arts Club…Think about that for a second. The first time I remember seeing him he was teaching the class to hit each other. Heck, he even worked with me to get me to hit him.

What consists of abuse is very contextual. And often those who are victims are well conditioned to not notice it long before it happens. Sometimes we are conditioned from birth by parents or relatives either through some form of abuse or neglect, and sometimes by a loved one later in life who instigates the abuse and by then we are not in a position to argue or stand up for ourselves.

But the big thing is that we are not staying in the relationship out of stupidity, we stay for many other reasons, sometimes we eve stay because we love them.